Face Melting Chili

Chili's one of my favorite things to cook. Why? Because my chili kicks ass and tastes amazing and will burn the roof off your mouth. It's freaking killer. A lot of people don't like to share their chili recipes, which is stupid, because the recipe doesn't make the chili, the cook does. If you don't have enough confidence in yourself to know, for a fact, that no one else is gonna be able to do it as awesomely as you are, then you need to get the hell out of the damn kitchen. True story.

So anyway. I'm gonna try to teach you how to make this totally kickass chili, and I'm gonna bet that yours will only ever be a mere shadow of an infinitely greater reality. Think you're up to the challenge?

So this is what you're gonna need:

1 medium spanish onion

4 peppers of various colors

2 cups of sliced baby portobello mushrooms

1 pound of lean ground beef

4 cloves of garlic

A jar of jalapeno peppers

2 cans of diced tomatoes and peppers

2 cans of chili beans, UNDRAINED

2 cups of vegetable broth

Ground cumin

Chili powder

Mustard powder

Ground ginger

Dried cilantro leaves

Bay leaves

Garlic salt

Regular salt

Ground black pepper

Olive oil

First you're gonna need to chop up that onion. It should look like this:

Is it perfect? No. Does it bother me? Yes. OCD is a terrible affliction.

You're gonna saute that onion in a large pot with some olive oil and salt. While that does its thing, chop up your peppers. You'll know you've got the right peppers if it ends up looking like you murdered a rainbow and weren't intelligent enough to dispose of the mangled corpse. Also, mince up that garlic and chop up your mushrooms. I actually bought minced garlic and used it for this recipe. Does it make a difference? Probably.

Once the onions have sauteed to the point where they're beginning to turn translucent, add your peppers and your minced garlic. Let this heat up for a little while.

In another pan, brown your ground beef. I like to dust it liberally with cumin and some chili powder, and add a few shots of hot sauce while it's cooking, but that's just me.

SUCCESS:

Go back to the pot of dead rainbow. Now's a good time to add those two cans of diced tomatoes and peppers, and the mushrooms. I also like to chop up the jalapenos (you'll want about a third of a cup, chopped) and toss them in now too. I also added like 3 teaspoons of the juice from the jar of jalapenos for extra facemelty goodness.

Now add the beans. Stir it around a little. Add the 2 cups of broth. Stir it some more.

It's time for the dry spices. You're going to add to your pot: 2 teaspoons of ground cumin, 1/2 teaspoon of chili powder, 1/2 teaspoon of garlic salt, a healthy dash of mustard powder, and a pinch of ground ginger. Stir it all up and taste test. Add salt and pepper as needed.

It should look like this:

Now add about a teaspoon of dried cilantro, stir it up some more, set your heat to low, and let the whole thing simmer, covered, for like an hour. Or whatever. It's fucking chili, it just gets better the longer you cook it.

Thanks for the pot, Grandma. It's my favorite.

Now everyone get the hell out of my kitchen.